Since being on lock down my sleeping patterns have not been so great. A typical night for me at the moment is going to bed around 10, 10:30pm, falling asleep fairly easily, then being wide awake around 2, 3 am. Once awake I’ve found the best way to get settled again is to get up, go get a glass of squash from the kitchen, then eventually I doze off when I get back to bed. This is a bit of a throw back to a couple of years ago when I needed a bit of help with my mental health.
For quite a long time, this was the normal for me. In fact until the year before last I was functioning on an average of 3 to 4 hours sleep a night. Looking back I have no idea how I coped. I guess you kind of get used to your routine and just deal with it. Any parents reading I’m sure will be keen to tell me that this broken sleep will be our life when baby arrives. However I know that unlike now, I will have a reason to be awake. I know what I’m like: over night I will do everything I can for the baby. Obviously theres some things I wont physically be able to do. But I will do as much as I can to help Sarah. I am under no illusions that it will be bloody hard. But it will be worth it.
Previously the turning point with my screwed up sleeping patterns was sorting out my mental health. For years I had a series of issues stemming from social anxiety and depression. These mainly took the form of ridiculously low self insteem, the sensation of being a failure, and simply not being able to cope in groups of people, even good friends. There were plenty of times where I slipped away from social events early or even made excuses to not go at all. Its sad. Especially as my friends at these events never gave me cause to feel like this, and this was all in my head. One of the symptoms which I gather is quite common was a rubbish sleeping pattern which didn’t exactly help. However, with some encourage I did the hardest thing possible and picked up the phone to make an appointment to get help. After an emotionally exhausting appointment, I was prescribed some anti depressants and put onto a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) course. I’m pleased to report I’ve enjoyed a massive improvement in my mental well being since getting this help.
Trying to not over analyse things (easier said than done), there’s nothing on my mind when I’m awake at the moment. I know my brain has an undercurrent of uncertainty, as with everyone at the moment. I mentioned last week about this anxiety being of myself getting ill, those around me getting ill, and the financial reprocussions to us as a little unit of this glocal pandemic. Rationally: I know we are doing everything we can to protect ourselves from Covid-19. We are looking out for our nearest and dearest, who are also taking careful precautions. In terms of money, well, does anyone know?
I am very fortunate that I can talk so much to Sarah about what’s going on. When I can’t put my finger on what’s bothering me, shes really good at teasing out the problems. One suggestion that she made this morning was to try and go to bed later, which I will try tonight. She finds that if she goes to bed too early she also as a rubbish night’s sleep. She came with me to my first doctors appointment to sort out my mental health; to this day I’m not sure she knows exactly how lost I would have been without her there.
Thanks for reading people. As always if you found my little ramble useful, feel free to share it around. Stay safe