Why hello dear readers
A bit of a dramatic title I know but bear with me. As I’ve mentioned lately all has been good with the Crohn’s; I am in remission still. I am feeling healthy and happy in my lifestyle. My weight is the heaviest its ever been (mainly muscle I hasten to add!) and people are telling me that I am looking in good shape which given other points in my life is an absolute gem to hear. For most of my life I have been a skinny 9 stone scruff. Now I am a chunkier looking 12 stone 4 scruff!
However I know full well that under this sturdy exterior is a hidden demon that could well bring this stint of well being to an abrupt halt. In my last update I mentioned that the recent tests had have shown I have new ulcers forming. Knowing the nature of the disease; that it randomly goes through active stages and stages of remission, I know that this healthy spell is not for good and that at some point things will get bad. Or at least the odds are heavily stacked that way. I don’t know how long it will be until things get bad again or even how bad they will get. I describe this to people as it being like having a ticking time bomb in my abdomen, on which I have no idea how long the timer is set too, or how much explosive is in the bomb. It could be a devastating blast tomorrow or anything through to a party popper in 20 years time. There is no way of knowing.
I have been through the storm before. I know what is up ahead when things get bad, or at least what they can be like. Knowing that it looks like I am heading back to the same place is something I have gotten used too. People ask if I am scared about what is ahead; my reply is that if I cannot change what is ahead then what is the point in being scared about it? I try instead to be prepared for it and relieved that the s**t hasn’t hit the fan just yet (excuse the pun).
Looking at the flip side of this: I know that I will get through whats ahead one way or another, and I know that there will be a sunnier side at the end of it. That is what I try to put across to people who are in a bad way now: that I have been in some pretty dark places with my innards, but look at me now. The bad days don’t always last. Sometimes they seem never ending when you have week after week, month after month, year after year with little or no respite from the horrid symptoms that Crohn’s can unleash. I know you get to the stage where you are just exhausted from it and that no matter who you talk to, no matter what you do or what new course of medication you take it feels like nothing works. It feels like a never ending path with no end or no break and as well and the path being hard and exhausting the fact that you can’t see the end makes it all the more tiring and demoralising. I know this happens because I have been there.
You become convinced that there is no end to it. This is not always the case. However devilish this disease is there are points when it can ease up and give you a break. There will be times whether through better medication, surgery or your body just randomly getting on top of things where you will feel yourself again, where you will have that relief.
Hopefully there’s some glimmer of hope to be gained from this little ramble. And here, dear readers endeth the lesson. Have an amazing day people 🙂