A bit of a monologue

“I’ve been invited to Mark’s BBQ later. I really want to go – it’s always such a laugh with the guys, and Mark’s BBQ’s are out of this world. The food, music, company: always amazing. But my stomach’s really playing up at the moment. I’m so drained, I have absolutely no energy. My friends just tell me to have a nap or a cup of coffee when I get this tired. I wish it was that simple. It’s so hard to explain the extreme tiredness – more fatigue – that you get with Crohn’s. I can nap all day and drink coffee until it messes with my innards, but it won’t make a slightest bit of difference. I’ll be just as zapped afterwards.

I’m really open with telling people I have Crohn’s, which is probably a good thing. On the outside I look like a normal, healthy person with nothing wrong at all. That being the case I can see why it’s hard for people to believe how different things are on the inside. I’ve also become very well practiced at hiding problems which I know is not healthy but I still do it. Maybe it’s partly me trying to pretend that it’s all ok? Kidding myself that this massive problem isn’t actually that bad? 

Ah man I need to go to the loo again!! How many times is that today, 8, 9 times? I lose count. I seem to spend my life in there sometimes. There’s no way I can make it through tonight without the need to go. But there’s here’s catch: I’m horrendously self conscious about that. I get so embarrassed with going while I’m out, when I’m at a friends house or even when people are at my place. I hate it! Last time I was out I felt like I couldn’t go as people were around, so I held it. Man that hurt. But I still did it as I was too embarrassed to go. It’s not the first time that’s happened either: I’ve spent many uncomfortable walks home, desperate to go. 

I want to see my friends tonight, I really do. The last few times we have been going to meet I’ve had to cancel or leave early, and I don’t want them to think it’s that I don’t want to see them, it’s really not. It’s just not being physically able to be up out and interacting. I try and keep upbeat and join in but even the little things take such a monumental amount of effort. Even though I’m joining in I’m worried that I’m looking bored or not interested in the evening, and that people will pick up on this.

Is it just me being weak? Is this stuff normal and I’m just coping badly with it? I’m not so sure it is. I’m fine when my stomach calms down. When it’s under control I don’t struggle anywhere near this much. It’s still probably harder even then, but compared to how I’m feeling now it’s a walk in the park.

Any way, I’m going to try and get myself together and go to Mark’s. I’ll tell myself I’ll go for a little while but probably stay late, not wanting to look bad and leave early. At least I will get out for a little while and do my best to enjoy my evening.”

Hi guys! Just thought I would share some of the thoughts that go around in my head when I’m having a bad day and I’ve been invited out with friends. Hopefully if you’re reading this and don’t have Crohn’s it’s helped you to understand what it’s like for us lot on a bad day. It’s just so difficult for us to be out and about. It really isn’t that we don’t want to come out, that we don’t want to spend time with our friends and family; not at all. It is simply that we are having such a bad day, and it’s so much harder for us to interact. Thanks for reading.

KBO

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About tomcoppin

Hello! I'm Tom, and have started this blog to share my experience of living life with a condition called Crohn's Disease. I've had the condition for a long time and have recently undergone surgery, hence the scar in the picture. I want to share my experiences to raise awareness of Crohn's, as well as helping out people who have been diagnosed. If you have any questions then feel free to message or comment and I will answer! Have a great day people. KBO
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3 Responses to A bit of a monologue

  1. Feel for you Thanks for sharing

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Romance and Crohn’s | Tom's Crohn's Diary

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